Drinking the Light
by tankro
Summary: .


The sun is rising, but you already know that. You're on the sun and it's too hot and you want to go inside. You can't go inside, there is no door. You try to find John but he isn't here and neither are you because you're on the bottom of the ocean. You try to swim for a bit, still searching for John. But soon enough the water has filled your lungs and you have no choice but to drown. Except you're not because you're lying on the floor in the apartment and the fan's on but it's not enough and you're sweating , you're sweating so much holy shit, maybe you should take a shower. But you can't take a shower, because you're in front of John's house and you're ringing the doorbell and his Dad is answering the door and he's saying oh hello, Dave how nice to see you here, but you can't answer because you're already on your way in because you have to find John you have to find him you have to you have to but John isn't there Dave, you know John isn't- and you're out the door and onto the street and down on the asphalt and rolling and rolling and going nowhere because John isn't here you can't find him you've looked everywhere but John isn't there.

You wake up and you're drowning. Drowning away from life, but you can still remember. You remember sleeping in golden fields with your savior your god your best bro best friend John. John was everything you weren't. John was the light in the sky that never shines in the same way anymore because he's gone. Gone forever and there's nothing you can do about it because it's _your fault. _You didn't do anything and it's your fault. You try to walk but your legs aren't there. This is a mistake, you're a mistake, John was a mistake. John ruined you and there is nothing you can do about anymore. You want to touch John's face; you need to feel the shape of his nose under your fingertips once more. The moon is shining and it's ugly, it's disgusting without John. You try to dig the earth with your bare hands but your nails start aching and you're a selfish brat, you never deserved someone like John. Your hands are frozen and you can't move them, so you drift away on top of John's grave John's bed John's home dwelling ménage.

Touching John's face you realise you're exactly where you need to be at the moment. His teeth are smooth but wet and they smell weird and they taste nothing but they're John's teeth and they're big and they're perfect and you can feel him smile but you're not sure what of so you look at him but he's not looking at you, he's looking at the sky and you're wondering what he's thinking of. You lie down next to him and watch the clouds pass by. When you glance over to him he's rolled onto his side, staring at you. You touch his nose because it's perfect but he looks sad so you smile but he's suddenly looking away and he's shaking and suddenly the sky goes dark and there's rain falling and you're telling him that you should get inside and he nods and stands up and so the two of you walk side by side towards his house.

You're happy with John. You spend every day with him because he makes you happy and you want to make him happy too, you want him to smile in the same way he used to. John smiles as often as he can. But he's not happy. You can tell. John says he's fine, he says he's happy because he has you, but he isn't and you know that. But you don't tell him. You want him to think you're happy even though seeing John like this is tearing a part of your heart right out and twisting it up and draining it of any feeling of happiness you ever had. John's eyes are dull so you kiss them but he just hugs you and you don't know what to do but you hug him back even though you feel your shoulder getting damp. John's hair is soft but he doesn't shower or take care of himself as much as he used to, and you can tell, you can tell because you pay attention and you know John has changed.

You drag him to the carnival, the cinema, the park, the countryside, the city the sky the sun the centre of the earth and John let's himself be dragged but you can tell he different. You can tell he never lets himself loose anymore, never forgets everything and just lives. John is different and it's your fault because you can't do anything about it even though you're trying but you don't know what to do, there is no way for you to open his skull and take a look inside because you already tried that and there is nothing there to help you, John's skull is full of yellow old paper and broken glass so you try to pick out the pieces and clean his wounds but he's clutching you stroking you singing to you and it's twisting your heart again because you don't know what to do.

You think the hands that are twisting your heart must be John's. They feel like John's only John's hands would feel like that on your heart, you think. You try to stand up from his bed his home his grave and your legs are working but your head is elsewhere so you try to find that where and it's in your own bedroom. You look up at the ceiling and it's painted blue like the sky used to look like, just like you remember. There's a bright yellow circle in the middle of your ceiling, and it's shining. You stand and try to smell it because you know it smells like John. You put on John's old clothes and go to bed and you dream of flying undersea. The sea is John and he's smiling at you and you're smiling back because, well, what else are you supposed to do in a dream like this. John catches you and you fall but he's already caught you and he sings to you so you drink his words and they taste like him. Everything is bright and it hurts your eyes, but it's ok, because it's John, and that's really all you need.


End file.
